It’s finally 2019 and while I use to waste the first month of every year trying new diets and starving myself this year, I decided that I would not waste my time on such a pointless pass time. I’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t need the year to change to make a change. Based off of my history of treatment, possibly the biggest change anyone can make, I always seem to take that challenge head on in the late spring/early summer.
My plan was to take the new year easy, try to avoid as many weight loss ads and diets as possible, and to prepare for the start of the spring semester but one thing I always forget when it comes to life is that it never goes as planned. On the 7th I finally got in to see a rheumatologist after being on a waitlist and was told that thankfully do not have another autoimmune disease to accompany my Hashimoto’s but that I do have Fibromyalgia.
At the moment I’m not sure how to feel. I think for my own sanity I’m trying to stay numb to the whole situation and focus on the few things I seem to be able to control in my life, school. When I do allow myself to process what’s going on, I’m heartbroken. Growing up you are taught as a child that you might wake up one day and have an illness that has no cure and will never go away. That when you’re in your mid-twenties you will be in pain every day and every morning it will be hard to simply sit up in bed and there’s nothing that can make it better. In fact, not much is known about this illness at all and because you are fat you are going to be dismissed by everyone under the damn sun and told to just lose weight, count calories, exercise.
Family, friends, strangers already tell me to lose weight for any and every reason but now my pain, exhaustion, frustration will be dismissed because of it and despite having been to inpatient treatment 3 times for an eating disorder, it doesn’t matter. Thinness is all that matters. It matters even more than my health mental and physical. Who cares if I work out and then have to take a 90-minute nap afterward so I can carry on with my day? Who cares if a doctor who knows Fibromyalgia tells me that I need to start small and work my way up with exercise because doing what I use to do will only make anything worse? Who cares? Thinness is the only thing that matters.
Welcome to 2019.