Back to the Drawing Board

Well I’m back to living in my parent’s home. Back to relying on them to pay for my phone bill, car insurance, and groceries. Back to feeling somewhat like a burden. I’m 20! I should be on my own by now! But I’m not, sometimes I wonder if all this was really worth it.

On April 1st 2014 I made the agonizing decision to return to treatment for my eating disorder. In order to do that I had to quit my two jobs that I worked to support myself. In doing so I once again became dependent on my parents again. Something I never wanted.

This is something that sadly keeps me up at night. Wondering if I have made the right choice. I had a decent life before treatment, at least from the outside looking in. I was supporting myself financially, Had two amazing jobs that I loved, have a supporting family and friends. But the inside I was a disaster. Restricting until I nearly passed out, bingeing and than purging, compulsive exercising, hardly sleeping. It was a nightmare and I was dying from misery simply so I could lose weight.

Sometimes I can’t help but blame myself. I was given a opportunity to go to treatment in March of 2013, even receiving a scholarship to help pay my copayment so that I could attend the program. However, instead of focusing on recovery I made myself sick with homesickness. Deciding to fake my way through treatment so I could get home as soon as possible. Needless to say the day I got out of the center the first time I was back to counting calories.

Now I am better. Better than I have been in years. But doubt still fills my head. I know it was worth it. I haven’t felt so alive since I was 12 years old. Now sitting at home with no job is hard but Recovery is harder and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Peace&Love,
Rai

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About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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