Well I’m back to living in my parent’s home. Back to relying on them to pay for my phone bill, car insurance, and groceries. Back to feeling somewhat like a burden. I’m 20! I should be on my own by now! But I’m not, sometimes I wonder if all this was really worth it.
On April 1st 2014 I made the agonizing decision to return to treatment for my eating disorder. In order to do that I had to quit my two jobs that I worked to support myself. In doing so I once again became dependent on my parents again. Something I never wanted.
This is something that sadly keeps me up at night. Wondering if I have made the right choice. I had a decent life before treatment, at least from the outside looking in. I was supporting myself financially, Had two amazing jobs that I loved, have a supporting family and friends. But the inside I was a disaster. Restricting until I nearly passed out, bingeing and than purging, compulsive exercising, hardly sleeping. It was a nightmare and I was dying from misery simply so I could lose weight.
Sometimes I can’t help but blame myself. I was given a opportunity to go to treatment in March of 2013, even receiving a scholarship to help pay my copayment so that I could attend the program. However, instead of focusing on recovery I made myself sick with homesickness. Deciding to fake my way through treatment so I could get home as soon as possible. Needless to say the day I got out of the center the first time I was back to counting calories.
Now I am better. Better than I have been in years. But doubt still fills my head. I know it was worth it. I haven’t felt so alive since I was 12 years old. Now sitting at home with no job is hard but Recovery is harder and I wouldn’t have it any other way.