Almost 2 months have gone by since I last posted on here. Not because I don’t have anything to say, quite the opposite. I have a lot to say I just don’t know how to filter it. A talent I’ve always been told I’ve never possessed. Right now I want to thrust my hands into the air, middle fingers out as a signal to the world that it can throw whatever it wants at me because I can withstand it. I want it to think that I am not at all afraid even though I am terribly frightened.
I want to purge until my throat is raw and body feels pure again, whole again. It’s a funny thing waiting for a part of me to stop working so that I can get it fixed, replaced. Especially when it comes to something as crucial as my heart.
Most of my family and friends know that I was born with heart disease. It’s tucked away in the back of their minds. Most of the time they don’t give it a second thought or even recall this seemingly simple fact because my whole life it has never limited me. I’ve always been able to jump, run, and swim as much as any of the other children in my neighborhood growing up but now at almost 21 I’m realizing I should perhaps be a bit more concerned about this inevitable surgery.
Whether I like it or not I will be cut open, right down the middle, my heart exposed, and ribs broken. I pretend I’m not nervous. I often joke that the most upsetting thing that could ever happen would be having my piercings close up. I’ve grown up telling people that I have a hole in my heart and that when I grow up I will need surgery. Well, now I’m all grown up and the time is within a few years reach.
I’m not sure why this is weighing so heavily on my mind because I still have a few years before I bite the bullet. But it will be done before I’m 26 because if I wait any longer I will no longer on my parent’s insurance, who cover the entire cost of the surgery.
Its taken me many days to write this post. Perhaps because I don’t know how to end it. Maybe that’s because there is no end. at least not yet. I fear that until the surgery comes I will continue to have this uneasiness on my shoulders, this tightness in my chest and I think that’s what scares me the most.