The Past is Sometimes Easier than the Future


I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling. An eating disorder is a hard thing to beat. A challenge I wouldn’t wish on Satan himself. It’s a slippery slope I’m heading down. Treading between relapse and recovery. Everyday is a new chance to succeed yet I continue to fail.

When I work I hardly eat a thing. It’s my workaholic attitude that will be the death of me and the main reason I was sent back to treatment last April. My desperate need to impress and prove myself to my coworkers means putting aside my body’s needs for rest and nourishment.

Sometimes treatment for a third time is tempting. To go back to people that understand what it’s like. Sometimes it’s tough, I have such an amazing family and supportive friends but no matter how hard they try they don’t understand. A blessing and a curse. A blessing in a sense that if they don’t understand it means they never have and hopefully never will have to go through this Hell. A curse because I am all alone.

This disease thrives on isolation. Feeling alone either steals or grows my appetite and lately it’s been the first. I can feel my stomach cave in and shrink at night when I know that I haven’t met my meal plan. It use to give me an indescribable high but now I feel nothing.

Restricting has become a fact a life. A fact I desperately want to overwrite but that takes time. Sometimes I feel that if I could strike out on my own, have my own space; I could find freedom, but that is a terrifying thought. With freedom comes a responsibility that I’m not sure I can handle. But I have no choice but to strive forward and try.

Many people with eating disorders fear growing up and I am one. Doing things that I was never taught it school. How to balance a checkbook, pay bill and taxes, start a savings account. It seems like a horrible feat that I have no chance of beating but I have no choice but to try. At almost age 21 it’s time I put on my big girl panties and face the cards I’ve been dealt.

Yes I have an eating disorder, Bipolar disorder II, and anxiety but I am determined, extremely stubborn as some like my mother put it. (A trait I’m not ashamed of.) And I will survive even if it’s only by the skin of my teeth, I will make it and so can all of you.

No matter what life or God decides to hand us we will prevail because as human beings we are incredibly stubborn, determined, and hard headed. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.




About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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