Life has turned upside down. It seemed like just last week I had a handle on things. I was working, looking into going back to school, writing. No it’s like colliding head first into a brick wall. I’m behind on my scheduled progress for NANOWRIMO, no longer working thanks a good degree to my eating disorder, and ultimately digging myself into a pit of despair. The whole month of November has passed in a racing whirlwind and I’ve grown dizzy and tired from it all.
Once again I find myself sitting at home with little motivation, wasting away the years which I should be traveling, exploring, and growing as a person. Instead I lie in bed until my back aches, struggling to follow even the simplest of meal plans, and ultimately failing and maintaining a social life.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I know logically I have two options. Go back to treatment or keep moving forward towards the unknown which frightens me terribly. Honestly if it weren’t for my faith in God and knowing for a fact that He will never lead me astray I would be scared senseless.
Earlier this week I felt the need to quit my job. I was working with fear foods on a regular basis and thought I was managing the stress decently until I had a complete breakdown at work. It was only a five hour shift but it felt like an eternity. Every time a customer approached, requesting some fried food I would grow quiet. Holding back my tears I tried to assist them as quickly as I could while trying to control my shaking hands.
It didn’t help with the way that management handled the situation. After so long I realized I could not last the full shift and requested to leave early. Something that I still feel terribly guilty about but had to be done for my own sanity. However, instead of taking in my visibly shaken form and sending my home I was forced to sit in the employee lounge for over 35 minutes. I watched as coworkers came in and out of the room for breaks, eyeing me as if not sure how to gauge the situation.
Eventually after pulling many teeth I was able to leave. Taking extra time and drive as responsibly as a panic attack can allow I arrived home, exhausted and with a migraine from Hell. Once again this eating disorder has taken over my life. The next day I quit.
I don’t know how much longer I can live like this but I guess I have very little choice as this is the life I’ve been given. I just hope I can make it mean something.