If I Stay


Tonight I watched the amazing new movie, If I Stay and it got me choked up. Not because the story is particularly sad but because I can relate, I think a lot of people can. Whether it’s through the death of a loved one. My family is still grieving over the lose of my grandmother who lived with my family for 12 years.

But I also think most of us can relate through ourselves. By the time we hit our teenage years we have had to choose whether we want to stay and with the suicide rates rising and at younger ages with each passing day it seems everyone makes this decision at least once in their life.

I made mine not along ago but it wasn’t in the way of a suicide attempt not everyone makes this choice that way. It was late at night in the winter of 2013. I was living on my own in an studio apartment and my roommate was out of town. Although I had spent the day with my best friend and that night with my family; I had also spent that day binge eating.

After eating Chinese food with my family I had started feeling sick, guilty. I went home and purged. Although with how sick I was feeling from over eating it didn’t take my body much convincing to vomit. I had purged before, a rare few times but this time was different. My body was covered in sweat with a cold shiver traveling down my spine like usual but I just remember asking myself, “What am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? What the Hell was I thinking letting my eating disorder get this bad again?”

It was that night I decided I wanted to pursue treatment again. It took two months to gather the courage to tell my parents I needed to go back and another the rejoin the program but 45 days later, I’m glad I did.

On that night I decided to fight my eating disorder. To not let it take me from this world. To fight this disease until I take my final breath. I choose to stay. What do you choose?




About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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