And sometimes my heart aches, especially late at night. I’ve realized that I need to face the truth and the truth is hard to type out, let alone say out loud. The truth? I think I am horribly ugly. Which won’t make sense to most people because I have an identical twin sister and younger sister that are gorgeous but that’s how I see myself most days.
I’m not stupid. I know this is my eating disorder that is doing most of the talking right now but I promised myself I would be honest on this blog, even when it hurts. I also realize that I do have a little beauty in me simply for being God’s child but it’s not much. I am big and clumsy and by society’s definition am not appealing to most simply because of my size.
And it’s nights like these where my head spins and thoughts swim with the idea that I will forever be alone simply because no man will ever find me attractive. How can you love someone and not find them beautiful? And to think all these depressing thoughts is simply because I am fat.
Many people don’t like it when I refer to myself as “fat” but it’s my way of taking the word back from the bullies. My way of making it neither a negative or positive word but simply a neutral one. I attempt to do the same with the word “skinny”. Both descriptive but neither good or bad.
I don’t fully know what the point of this post is but I just need to vent and post this someone where I hope someone will read this and relate to the idea that we tie or physically beauty to our weight and society’s worth of us far too much. So I guess that’s it…