I miss being a nanny

I miss Jacob, Taylor, Megan, and Brandon. I miss them all. I can’t imagine loving children any harder than I did them and still do. People tell me that I’ll love my own children even more but I can’t imagine how.

For those of you unaware until last march I was a nanny for two family. The kids were amazing and the parents were so open, friendly, and sweet. They treated me as part of the family and I betray them by letting my eating disorder get out of hand. Forcing me to quit with very little notice to return to treatment.

I tell people the hardest thing I’ve ever done was treatment but in reality the hardest thing I’ve ever done was leave those kids. When I left them I cried. During treatment I cried because I missed them. Right now I cry now because even though they don’t understand and maybe don’t even care that I’m gone I feel as if I’ve hurt them horribly.

I remember shortly before I left Megan a sweet 7 now 8 year old offered me a tissue and asked if I was feeling okay. She told me that her mom had told her I was sick and that she didn’t like that. She didn’t want me being sick and that broke my heart. How do you explain to a little girl that you’re not physically sick but mentally?

I think about them a lot. About Jacob and how he would go play outside and come back covered head to toe in mud and have to strip at the back door. How is brother Taylor is probably talking by now. I remember taking Megan and Brandon to the History Museum and how Megan took charge for the treasure hunt and how Brandon was obsessed with the huge train set. He could of stayed there for hours watching it.

When I left them it felt like leaving my own children except I didn’t get to come back to them and that’s the hardest thing that my eating disorder has taken from me. My nanny kids.

Peace&Love,

Rai

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About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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