Okay maybe frustrated is more of the correct term but Friday afternoon I was angry, furious even but since than my anger has thankfully cooled. Still it makes what happened wrong and I believe I have a right to be angry.
So what has made me so frustrated? To put it simply it is the fact that the priority of my mental health continues to fall below me being thin because that’s what society has deemed as healthy.
It all started on Friday when I went to my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist. It was just your typical meeting. There purely to check in with my medications and make any adjustments that need be. The session was coming to an end when the the topic turned to my weight. Now my psychiatrist knows I have an eating disorder. he is actually very good about asking me how I’m doing with recovery every time I see him but this time he did not.
He asked if I had been weighing myself and when I explained to him that I was not because numbers are extremely triggering he did not look pleased. He then asked that I begin to weigh myself. At first I was in shock and stupidly agreed. What I wish I would have done was put him in his place. Tell him no but I didn’t so know I get to agonize over my choice of not asserting myself for the next month until I see him again.
To be completely honest I wasn’t that angry at first. It wasn’t until that evening when I was in bed processing the day that I felt furry run through my veins. How dare he ask me to weigh myself when he knows I’m in recovery from an eating disorder. Numbers can be very triggering for those in recovery, myself included.
Now after venting in this blog entry I’m no longer angry just sad. Sad that in this world weight is more important than over all health. Could I be thin? Yes, I’m sure it’s possible, especially if I went back to starving myself. I’m sure I could easily knock off 30lbs like I have before but that wouldn’t be healthy.
I know my psychiatrist comes from a place of caring. Like many others in my life he simply wants whats best for me and it’s not completely his fault that society has taught him that being thin is what’s best for everyone.
When I started this post I was angry now I’m sad but on the bright side the sun is shining and I’m determined not to waste this beautiful day in a lousy mood. I have a hiring part for Lush tonight and am looking forward to dolling up for it.
I may be sad that my body will never be accepted. That I will forever feel as though I’m fighting my way through life simply because of my weight but at the end of the day I have my health and that’s all I can ask for.