One Year Ago

It’s been a year since I’ve made this blog and a lot of things have changed. Just as many things seem to have stayed the same. Either way I figured I would write out a quick update. If anything more for myself than anyone else. I need to see where I’ve been compared to where I am now.

A year ago my thighs still ached and I would catch myself running my hands over them in the shower, checking for cuts even though I had been free from self-injury for 4 months. A year later they do still hurt at time, like today but scar tissue is funny that way. But I’m able to wear a swimsuit without anxiety because thankfully my scars have faded a way to nothing. (Not to say that I wouldn’t still wear a suit if my scars were bright red and raised but it makes it easier.) I never thought 16 months ago I would be free from my addiction of self-injury but more importantly in recovery. Yet here I am.

A year ago I was 30lbs lighter and just trying to find my way to happiness again. All while battling the never ending battle of my obsession with weight and my conviction that to ever be truly content I would have to lose weight. Now I don’t see it that way. Instead my goal is to be happy and healthy and if weight loss is just happens to go along with that then fine. If not, okay.

A year ago I never would have survived Reddit, the Fat People Hate website, and the cyberbullying I’ve had to endure. I would have crumbled under the stress and constant insults that swirled around me. Now however, I’m standing tall, strong, and stubborn. I’m fighting back and speaking out instead of staying silent. I’ve even been blessed with the opportunity to write an article for the National Eating Disorders Associate’s website and for Proud2BMe.org which can be found here.

I much prefer who I am now over the soft spoken, insecure girl I was last year. The girl I use to be wouldn’t have asked for help. Instead she would have stayed hidden. Well I’m done hiding now. I’m determined to make a change in the world no matter how small.

A year ago I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I had a passion for writing and on a whim created this blog but I never would have imagined the goals and dreams that would have formed since then. I now have confidence in my writing and know that I want to dedicate my life to serving and helping others. By speaking out, standing up for those who can’t, and breaking down stigmas that trap so many people. But most importantly by showing the love and compassion that Christ has shown me.

People are ever changing. We grow with each new sunrise and are never the same as we were the day before. Change is scary, terrifying actually but you can’t expect to better yourself if you don’t jump into the unknown and face your fears.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

― Anne Frank

Peace&Love,
Rai

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About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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