I feel stuck. I’ve finally done it. I’ve gotten a real job. While it is part time many would consider it a good job but I still feel as though something is missing. Between low thyroid levels that make me exhausted 24/7 and my new job I have no time to write.
Besides that it seems as though God continues to block my attempts at an education. For many reasons, mainly financial aid issues I have been unable to afford and attend community college for the spring quarter.
I feel stuck. I passed up an opportunity to apply to an amazing seminary school because of fear and doubt and now will have to wait another year before I’ll have another chance. And I regret not at least applying and seeing if I was even able to get in.
But I was afraid. There is sexism in the church. Maybe not open sexism but there are definitely roles in the church that only men seem to fill while women fill the other. Growing up I always saw the men in leadership roles. As Elders, pastors, and board members. While the women cared for the children and the kitchen.
Not to say that there is something wrong with finding yourself in traditional roles. If that’s where you feel called by God than fill that role with love! But I cannot see myself there.
I want to be a pastor. I want to teach and help others but I am not naive enough to ignore that I won’t be met with oppression and opposition and that terrifies me. Enough to keep me from apply to an amazing program.
But the more I try to fight it the stronger God pushes me in that direction. So where do I go from here? If I am to apply to the program what do I do for the next year while I wait to be able to apply?
I don’t know but I know I cannot simply work. I need to feel as though I’m making a difference but when? It feels as if when I do have free time it’s very precious and never enough.