Well here I am, at Pratt Institute all moved in and ready to start classes. This week is dedicated to orientation which I ironically don’t have to attend much of as a transfer student. And while I’ve enjoyed the spare time getting to know people it hasn’t made everything easy.
I find that as I go through out campus I have a blanket of embarrassment that covers me which is not helpful in the 90 degree heat. It’s hard being fat in this world that is no question but I’m finding it even harder when I’m in a new area where I know no one. At home I had a small circle of people I interacted with regularly who didn’t care about my weight and loved me for who I am. While here in New York I cannot be sure as to whether or not people will truly like me despite society telling them that fat people are undesirables.
There’s also a fear of being mocked in public. A anxiety that has grown more and more since I was publicly humiliated last September which you can read about here. If it’s happened once in my small suburb and world whose to say it won’t happen again in this big city? Yes, “Have courage and be kind” will always be with me. It is after all tattooed on my forearm but that’s easier said then done.
Sometimes I want to spit fire and scream a giant “fuck you” but I know that’s not right but neither is staying quiet. So what’s the answer? I don’t know. I am so looking forward to this new year at school but these first few weeks are going to be hell if this first one is any reflection. Lots of self doubt and insecurities.