Do You Believe in Life after Love?

I was posed this question in one of my classes today and was asked to do a free write about it for 7 minutes. This is what I came up with:

Life, can it continue on after love? In romantic sense I cannot be sure for I have never had the opportunity to find out but life after the loss of a loved one? That I can speak to. When my grandma was first diagnosed with pre leukemia it shook my family to our core. Taking our once happy lifestyle and destroying all that we knew. It became a new way of living with pills, dementia, and exhaustion.

When my family realized that my grandma had ultimately been given a death sentence for she was not strong enough for chemo or a bone marrow transplant that is when I began to let go and move on with life.

Losing my grandma has been like losing a best friend. Nearly 4 years later and I still cry when I think of the fun we use to have and the relationship that I’ve lost. How she was the one, being a nurse that had worked at a psychiatric hospital understood my anxiety and Bipolar Disorder when no one else in my family seemed to be able to.

I still cry every year on the anniversary of her death, her birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving. Any time that her absence reminds me of the void in my heart. But over the years I’ve learned to move on because that’s what she would have wanted.

I’ve held a lot of guilt after her death. Mainly because she got to Heaven and realized of all the secrets I had kept from her. My best friend who I could tell anything to. She learned of my eating disorder and destructive ways and I still to this day am ashamed. Even in my 2 ½ years of recovery I still can’t fathom how much it must have hurt her when she found out.

But because of here I have pressed on. 2 stays in treatment later and I am moving on with my life. Life after love. I’m attending my dream school and living life to its fullest for the first time in my life. All because I chose to live after love.




About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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One Response to Do You Believe in Life after Love?

  1. Karen M. Myers says:

    Rachel, thank you for sharing this heartfelt look inside of the woman that you are. Your grandma was a wonderful, loving, God-filled woman and I miss her terribly too. She was sort of like another mom to me and I loved her dearly. I am so glad that you are living after love. You are so talented and so strong in ways you don’t even realize. You inspire me to be more and do more. I love you.


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