Will I Be In Recovery Forever?

Not long ago I believed myself to be fully recovered from my eating disorder. However, I’ve come to realize that I was simply going through an easy part of my life. A comfortable and familiar part. Working two jobs I loved and living with a family I adored made life easy. So did living in a city I know like the back of my hand. Yes, it was with ease that I ate 3 meals a day along with snacks.

Now in a new setting that keeps me under a bit of stress and very busy has made eating defiantly harder than it was before. While the urge to binge may not be strong because I am always around others whether friends, fellow students, or roommates the temptation to restrict is evident.

I skipped lunch today simply because my need to sleep was stronger than the logic to eat. And that’s how relapse starts. That is something I CANNOT, WILL NOT allow to happen. i swore to myself from the moment I applied to Pratt that I would not allow myself to get sick again. That I would never go back to treatment again and that is a promise I intend to keep.

So what’s the point of this post? Nothing to you most likely but everything to me. This is me being accountable and taking responsibility. Even though every day I am reminded that I am below those thinner than me. That I am undesirable and unwanted. That I don’t have a right to eat. Even though I am told all this I will continue to do so. Why? A couple reasons:

  1. I am a child of Christ and my body is a temple despite what others say.
  2. I am worth receiving love. Not from only others but from myself.
  3. Because I am someone’s child. And you would never tell a child that they do not have a right to feed their body.

Peace&Love,

Rai

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About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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