I’ve been very nostalgic lately. Something I try my best not to be especially when it comes to my eating disorder. It’s a deadly trap that you can let yourself be caught in when you begin to think back to your eating disorder days.
Sometimes I can’t help it. I think back to how “good” things were once upon a time ago. When I was starving, bingeing, and purging. Although I no longer enjoy the feeling of being hungry I think back to how it use to make me feel. The sort of high that I felt with an empty stomach.
It’s funny, I only idolize the feeling I get from restricting and the aftermath of purging. I’ve never liked the feeling of bingeing and overeating. But I believe that has more to do with society and how we view food and eating to begin with.
It’s a deadly game nostalgia. It can make you want to go back to a abusive relationship. Whether with a person or food because for some reason our minds can only remember the good. At least for me.
I have to continuously remind myself of the bad. The crying, cutting, and hating of my body. The 110 days in treatment that I could have been spent at school, working, or with family instead of locked away trying to free my mind.
Nostalgia can be good in some ways but for the most part I believe it’s for the best to not focus on the past and to especially idolize it. It’s best if we move on, learn from out mistakes, yes. But move on and grow as a person. Because each new day is a new beginning.