Let me start by saying that the freshmen 15 myth is alive and well. From August to December I gained exactly fifteen pounds and my confidence has been dropping lower and lower with each passing day. And it’s not because something happened or someone said something mean but simply because my eating disorder voice is still doing it’s job and doing it well. It’s been quiet for a while but now it’s roaring it’s ugly head again and I’m struggling to put it back on mute.
It doesn’t help that after having some heart palpitations (caused by stress) in October and following up with a cardiologist in New York I received a stern talking to about how calorie counting was the only way to lose weight. She also lectured me about my horrible diet because all student away at school are eating amazingly healthy except for me.
I know at my weight having these conversations can’t be helped but there’s one thing I wish all these doctors would do, listen. To not just blow my eating disorder off as a “phase” and assume that I can simply stop obsessing over the calories, the numbers, the control or that I can do so in a healthy way.
So where do I go from here and what does this mean? Do I need to lose weight? I honestly don’t know. But a calorie counting app has been downloaded to my phone and I’m using it actively. Does this mean my eating disorder is winning this battle? Maybe but they won’t win the war.