Well, it’s been a while. Much longer than I would like to admit, over a month and it’s crazy to think that so much has changed in such short time. Not big things that will redirect my life but little things that slowly add up until they overwhelm me and I retreat to what I know…disrespecting my body. Which is why I am laying out some of the changes, both good and bad. For my sanity than anything.

First? I got bangs! (Bonus points if you read that as Serena from Legally Blonde.)

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I’m quite fond of them and it’s been a surprisingly big change for me. Whenever I change anything about my appearance I tend to panic for a period of time as my mind adjust and realizes that this is my body and I can do with what I wish.

I also got a tattoo. It’s a pink carnation in dedication to my mama and it’s lovely. It was painful, although not as painful as the tattoo I got touched up on my foot but totally worth it. People often wonder why I decorate my body with tattoos. Because it makes me more self confident. It reminds me that I am a work of art, made in God’s image and I am beautiful.

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And of course I’m on Fat People Hate again which is no surprise. I seem to pop up there every few months. I just wish there was something I could do about it but I feel powerless. Especially since Voat refuses to answer my emails about the site.

I got a new camera and have been teaching myself a bit about photography and I’m proud of what I’ve done so far. Yay for being self-taught!

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The fifth thing is a bit hard to type out because I’ve never considered myself a quitter but I quit my job at a popular retail store. Not because of my coworkers, managers, or the company but because my anxiety has flared up to the point that I cannot physically drive to work. I was calling out so often, it just wasn’t far to the rest of my coworkers and the company.

So I’ve had to reevaluate myself and mental health. I am in the process of going off my effector for my medication because my psychiatrist fears that it numbs me but I think he just hopes I lose weight once I’m off it. Still I do want to take less medication so I’m sticking with it and think that with therapy I can handle it. So I’m going back to therapy which I have no shame in admitting. Having no job also means that I have to set a schedule for myself including some form of exercise and a regular sleep cycle.

It”s going to be a challenge but I want to be as healthy as possible before I go back to school this fall. And I will be.

Peace&Love,

Rai

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About railynnt

This is my blog, a place where I can share my writing and journey through recovery, mental illness, and life.
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