Well it’s been 24 days since I entered treatment and I’ve been given my first pass home for the night last Sunday. I was excited to be home, thrilled actually but I was also nervous. This, my home is where I binge. It’s my comfort place and when I was home at that very moment the muscle memory of eating nonstop was kicking in and the sweet treats in the pantry were so tempting.
And there was no reason to. No one was fighting at home, there was no yelling or reason to be stressed but I was craving food. And as I’m writing this I don’t even know if I’ll post it because of the stigma around fat woman, eating, and eating disorders. But if I do I want you to know one thing, this is hard.
Eating disorders and mental illness are hard and can take innocent lives but for me, my Binge Eating Disorder is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. Sure, once upon a time ago I was diagnosed with EDNOS and struggled with sever restricting but that’s the crazy thing about eating disorder, they change. Often with you.
I’ve had to face things I’ve buried deep inside myself. I’ve had to and still am fighting the voices in my head, online, and in real life that tell me I’m worth nothing because of my weight.
And I’ll probably have to fight it for the rest of my life or until society changes their views on women like me, whichever comes first. But things are getting better. Slowly but surely and they will continue to as long as I’m not afraid to put in the work.