I Hope I’ve Made You Proud

It’s February 27, 2017 and it’s been 4 years since Sharon Jordan left this world. I wish I could say  something that was less clique the usual things people say after the loss of a loved one. Like, “I miss her everyday” or “Things will never be the same.” But those are exactly the words that so desperately want to fall from my lips. I miss her. She was my best friend and helped raise me. She wasn’t your average active grandma she went so far beyond that. Maybe that’s why I feel the need to please her but how can you please a ghost? Especially when it’s someone you know would never judge you to begin with?

I live with the chronic belief that I must make everyone I cherish in my life proud and if I’m not doing that then I am failing at life. I want to live my life my way but I also have an underlining need to be perfect. Or at least thin.

So, that’s where my current struggles begin. Recently I went on a date that I found very pleasurable and promising. The boy however, did not feel the same way as he has not spoken to me since. And while logically I know that rejection hurts everyone no matter what your size it seems in my mind that my rejection is far worse then what any other person could feel.

I realize this is a greatly flawed way of thinking but I cannot help the emotions that I feel. I also can’t help but wonder and pity myself for my size. I know realistically that my weight most likely played a big part (no pun intended) as to why I did not get a second date. Because a selfie from the chest up on a dating site can only give a very small idea as to how big I truly am.

And as you can guess once I get sent into this state of mind it is a downward spiral. From being told by my own family that most men will probably not find me attractive and society telling me that I am a horrible, ugly, lazy human being, it leaves little hope that one day I will be able to replace my purity ring with an engagement ring.

As I’m sure most single people have done this evening I began daydreaming about being in love but quickly realize that my love will not be like the movies. I will not be able to be the small spoon, be carried by my man, and many other things that “normal” sized couples do. Sex will even have to be different.

The eating disorder that still lives inside of my revels at these thoughts and enjoys my misery because it gives it power and a chance to creep back into my life. But I know that if I truly want to make Grandma Sharon proud I need to stay strong in recovery and stubborn, very stubborn.

Peace&Love,

Rai

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A Short One

I’ve been trying to write this post for the past week with little success. I’m finding very little motivation in life. No, I’m not depressed just a little lost. So where to start?

Well things have not gone as planned, but when do they ever? Especially when obtaining to my life. I was not accepted into the program I wanted to study ministry. I didn’t even get an interview. It’s discouraging to say the least and as unhappy as I was in New York I can’t help but wonder if leaving and coming back home was a mistake.

So where do I go from here? For now I will continue working at a retail job, maybe find a church where I can actually grow and be involved in with people my own age, and try to go on with life even though it feels as though I have no direction right now.

I’m not a good enough writer to be published. I don’t sing well enough to pursue a musical career. I can’t even manage to get into school for ministry. So where do I go from here? I’m going to sleep.

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The Dreaded 15

Let me start by saying that the freshmen 15 myth is alive and well. From August to December I gained exactly fifteen pounds and my confidence has been dropping lower and lower with each passing day. And it’s not because something happened or someone said something mean but simply because my eating disorder voice is still doing it’s job and doing it well. It’s been quiet for a while but now it’s roaring it’s ugly head again and I’m struggling to put it back on mute.

It doesn’t help that after having some heart palpitations (caused by stress) in October and following up with a cardiologist in New York I received a stern talking to about how calorie counting was the only way to lose weight. She also lectured me about my horrible diet because all student away at school are eating amazingly healthy except for me.

I know at my weight having these conversations can’t be helped but there’s one thing I wish all these doctors would do, listen. To not just blow my eating disorder off as a “phase” and assume that I can simply stop obsessing over the calories, the numbers, the control or that I can do so in a healthy way.

So where do I go from here and what does this mean? Do I need to lose weight? I honestly don’t know. But a calorie counting app has been downloaded to my phone and I’m using it actively. Does this mean my eating disorder is winning this battle? Maybe but they won’t win the war.

Peace&Love,

Rai

 

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2016 You’ve Done Well

Once again I find myself sitting at home with coughs racking my body every few minutes, diagnosed with Bronchitis. I’ve been back in Washington for almost two weeks and it seems as if all is back to normal. I’m working at a job I love and always have. (I’m one of those crazies that loves working retail.) And I’m writing for fun something I haven’t done since August before I moved to New York. I guess that’s why I left. Writing was no longer fun, it was a chore. I had deadlines to meet and felt as if the pieces I submitted were never polished or well edited.

But now I’m home and working on a memoir. I’m sure a lot of you are thinking I’m too young but I figure why not? I’ve always wanted to tell my story and I love to write so why not marry the two? The most important thing is I’m happy and content with life again.

2016 has defiantly been an interesting year for me. I’ve lost loved ones, made new friends, lived on my own and in another state, pursued what I thought was my dream only to realize what my true calling is, and grew in my recovery.

So, what’s in store for 2017? Who can really know? But I know what I want to happen. Within the year I want to complete a rough draft of my memoir, go back to school for the major I want, become healthy which, seems to be an eternal struggle for me, live for God, and just be happy. Well, at least I can mark one of those things off the list.

What are your goals?

Peace&Love,

Rai

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I’ve been Praying a Lot…

I’ve been praying a lot lately little prayers, big prayers. But mainly the same one over and over again. “Please God don’t let me sit next to someone on the plane ride home to Washington that will treat me poorly because of my weight.” Okay, so there’s most likely some swearing involved in that prayer too. But it’s me being honest with God. About my fears, my worst fears.

No one likes to be embarrassed. But that seems to be something I’m gifted at. Or maybe I am just too easily embarrassed. Either way it seems to happen to me often. And a lot of it seems to have to do with my weight.

Now I know what you are thinking,”Rachel, why not just lose the weight? Then your problems will be solved!” I only wish it was that simple.

If you are still believing the lies that the media and society continuously feeds us then let me break it to you…Losing weight is not easy and not possible for some people. God blessed us with differences. So why should we all be the same weight? Especially based off something as flawed as the BMI calculations? Besides the obvious fact that it’s no ones business (besides my doctor) as to what my weight and anyone else’s is.

I’m not saying don’t buy two airplane seats if you need them. You should for not just others comfort but yours too! And don’t be afraid to ask for a seatbelt extension or buying one. Your safety should always be a #1 priority. What I am saying is don’t be an asshole.

I do not need two seats and don’t act like I do simply because you don’t like how I look. AND if a person does need two seats leave it to the airline to discuss them or at least be respectful about it. All I’m saying is don’t be an asshole.

Don’t be the woman who sulked and threw a tantrum like a three year old when her husband made her sit next to me. Don’t elbow me in the ribs and act as if my seat automatically belongs to you even though you didn’t purchase it.

Just have some compassion and kindness in your heart. It’s not easy being fat. Especially since it seems to me that most people already hate me because of my size. It’s not easy being hated…

Have courage & be kind

Peace&Love,

Rai

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My New President, My New Nightmare

I’ve been trying to come to terms with the results of the election on Tuesday. To be honest I’ve been completely numb to it and am slowly coming to terms with it. But that doesn’t mean I won’t fight it or support those that do.

The truth of the matter, whether Republicans want to admit it or not, is that when Trump was elected president all minorities, people of color, women, LGBT, sexual assault victims, those with disabilities, and people with immigrant family members or are immigrants themselves were devalued and told their lives do not matter.

So why did I vote? I didn’t vote for myself but for those who couldn’t. For those who are undocumented or too afraid to vote for those because of their family or whatever reason. I voted for those I know and love who have been sexual assaulted, degraded because of things they cannot control. I voted to confirm that their lives matter.

As a fat, white woman with good insurance I do not fear the future for myself. I am already mistreated daily because of my weight and many times I wonder if it can get any worse. I know my privileges and know I have less to fear then my dear friend who recently came out as bisexual or my classmate that is Latino. But still I am scared. scared for those I love, scared for my country, and maybe, if I’m honest, a bit scared for myself.

I know people oppose me. People I know and love and I don’t mind discussing with you but I will NOT argue about how Trump does not have the ability to bring out the worst in people because he 100% does and we are seeing it unfold right in front of our eyes. And anyone who says otherwise is blind.

I wish I could end this post on a more positive note but I’m not sure how because very little seems to be positive right now. The day after the election the atmosphere on campus was suffocating. People were crying, drinking, and banging their heads against the walls. And not because they are cry babies but because they are terrified for their lives and that alone should speak volumes.

I know that God is in control. But so did Jesus when he wept after the death of Lazarus.

– Lecrae

Peace&Love,

Rai

 

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What Does Education Play in American Politics?

On the night of the election my friend told me that I should run for president when I’m old enough because I am smart. I joked that smarts had very little to do with this election. All we had to do was look at are now new president as proof of that. It was a nice way to make her laugh and relieve the stress of the storm that had just erupted around her.

Education? Does that really have anything to do with American politics? My first instinct is to say yes. In the history of the United States we have had many if not all important figures have fine degrees in political science. So how does a man with no degree and no experience obtain such a critical and important role in American government when I can’t even get an entry level job without a master’s and 5 years of experience?

It is said that money rules the world. If you have enough of it, you can essentially get anything you want. I used to laugh at such a thought. Money doesn’t run the world. We as humans do. But is that true? It would seem that I was horribly wrong. Especially when a man with all the money in the world buys his way into the Republican nominee and then wins becoming our 45th president.

What is really displays however, is how lacking the American public is when it comes the education on politics and the political agenda. I believe that if people were only more educated and open minded the ignorance that got this man elected would never have existed to begin with. Fear is what won him the votes not educated decisions. Fear and ignorance.

It is especially infuriating when you look at his opposing candidate. A well-educated woman with years of experience. Was she perfect? No. Certainly not. Would I have much preferred a sweet, old grandpa who had even the birds on his side? Yes. Absolutely. But this is not a perfect world and you have to go with the cards you are dealt. And what were we dealt? A scared little boy with a bad spray tan and multiple sexual assault lawsuit against him pinned against a woman who deleted some email but overall has a good grip on reality. Something the earlier is severely lacking.

So, does education truly play a role in American politics? Yes. But not a big enough one. Money sadly plays a much bigger, more important role. If you cannot afford to run a campaign with all the balloons, fireworks, and assistances you need then no matter how smart or how many degrees you have doesn’t matter. Because no one seems to care about that. They should but they don’t and that is why we are in this deadly scenario. A nightmare for many. A nightmare for me.

Peace&Love,

Rachel

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